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The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2011
Todd plays Avril Lavigne's "What the Hell" on his piano. THE TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 2011 A year-end review Todd: It's that time again. Montage of clips includes: Katy Perry - "Last Friday Night"; Britney Spears - "I Wanna Go"; Black Eyed Peas - "Just Can't Get Enough"; Lady Gaga - "Yoü and I"; Jennifer Lopez and Pitbull - "On the Floor"; and Lil Wayne - "How to Love" Todd (VO): Yes, folks, it's that time of year when I plow through Billboard's Top 100 songs of the year, and pick out the ten most awful, most unworthy, most detestable songs that pop music has to offer! Todd: response from "audience" Yay. Now, I did a list like this two years ago, but last year I forgoed...for...forgoed? Forwent? Forwent...forgoed? Last year, I decided to skip doing a Top 10 list because I'd just be covering songs I'd already reviewed. But this year, I decided I needed to because the year just feels incomplete if I don't do a full ranking. And besides, my opinion changes, sometimes dramatically, after doing an episode. Clips of Pitbull - "Give Me Everything"; Lady Gaga - "Born This Way; Katy Perry - "Firework" Todd (VO): Weirdly enough, a lot of songs which I reviewed because they're overplayed, actually rise in my opinion after I do a review and have to listen to it over and over again 'cause, at that point, I guess I've built up a kind of relationship with it, you might say. So... Todd: ...don't think you know what's going on the list. Remember, I review a song based on how much comedy material I can wring out of it, but I put a song on the list because I never want to hear it again. And once I finish this list, I am never listening to any of these, so let's give a nice, solid kick in the ass goodbye to... Video clip of Ke$ha - "Blow", which serves as the interlude through the countdown Ke$ha: This place about to blow-oh-oh-oh Todd (VO): The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2011! Ke$ha: This place about to blow... #10 Todd (VO): #10. Todd: Okay, look at this shit. Video of Keenan Cahill lip-syncing "Baby" by Justin Bieber Keenan: You know you love me I know you care Todd (VO): Who is this kid? I don't know, but apparently he is way more popular making stupid videos on the Internet than I will ever, ever be. Clearly, I'm doing something wrong. Todd: But I bring him up because, in doing my research for this list, I found out that one of the songs on here may have been a hit entirely because of him. Keenan: Baby, baby, oh... Todd: Yeah. #10. Jeremih ft. 50 Cent - "Down on Me" Jeremih: I like the way you grind with that booty on me Shorty you a dime, why you looking lonely We’ll buy another round... Todd: Okay, you're gonna have to follow me here. Image of Keenan, labeled by a "YouTube Sensation" Todd (VO): Apparently, this lip-syncing little bobblehead is so popular, of Keenan lip-syncing "Down on Me" that he got invited to make a video for some talk show. Todd: And he did, and then this happened. Keenan: All I really want is you down on me Put it down on me he does this, 50 Cent walks into his room and joins in 50 Cent: Systems thumping party jumping Todd (VO): Ooh, my God, 50 Cent's there lip-syncing with him. Oh, my God. Everything I've read suggests that this moment is what made this song popular, and... Todd: ...as far as I can tell, that must be true because the lip-sync video has, like, twice as many hits as the actual video, and also because this song sucks. Back to actual video 50 Cent: She want it I can tell she want it Want me to push up on it Todd (VO): Well, my first thought is that you can add Jeremih, the moron who brought you clip of... "Birthday Sex", to the growing list of one-hit wonders who technically have a second hit. But the much bigger name on this hit is that mush-mouthed dullard himself, 50 Cent. Todd: And yeah, 50 Cent's monotonous flow matched well with this utterly monotonous song. 50 Cent: Systems thumping party jumping Shorty she’s a perfect 10 She rock her hips than roll her hips Then drop it down like it’s nothing Todd: Whoa, tone it down, 50. No need to ham it up. Jeremih: Say you independent Get it from your momma Tell me if you with it Todd (VO): I feel like I can take this song, chop it up into a hundred different segments, and put it back together in random order, and I wouldn't be able to tell the difference in any real way. Todd: Oh, except for this part, I guess. High-pitched voice: Put it down on me Todd: Yes...I will put it down on you, Mr. Chipmunk 50 Cent: So sexual, incredible She beautiful, she edible Todd (VO): Now 50 says the song was only a hit because of his help. You know what? I doubt it. The fact is 50 Cent hasn't been relevant since he released that first album, what was it called? [Album cover of soundtrack to ''Get Rich or Die Tryin'] Get Rich and Stop Trying''? Something like that. Todd: No, it was that kid. Keenan's lip-sync video Keenan: I like the way you grind with that booty on me Todd: We regular Internet morons are finding out that we have power, and some of us are using that power in horrible ways. I envision some dark days ahead for us. Keenan's video ends Interlude #9 Todd (VO): #9. #9. Chris Brown ft. Busta Rhymes & Lil Wayne - "Look at Me Now" Chris Brown: Look at me now, look at me now Oh, I'm getting paper Todd: What, arrest papers, you loathsome little toad?! Chris: Yellow model chick Todd (VO): Chris Brown only continues to grow more repulsive with each passing day, and really, why shouldn't he? He committed a terrible crime, graphic evidence was made available everywhere, he has yet to make any believable display of remorse, and yet he still has all his fame and apparently millions of defenders. So you know what? Why shouldn't he assume that he can do whatever the crap he wants? Todd: "Look at Me Now" isn't quite as shameless a display of douchebaggery as "Deuces", but it isn't any less infuriating. Chris: I don't see how you can hate from outside of the club You can't even get in Hahaha Todd: But I can hate you from outside the police station, you piece of shit. Todd (VO): Chris Brown lost the right to self-aggrandizing arrogance a long-ass time ago, and to watch him stand there and brag about how great he is and how much money he makes over this skin-crawlingly repulsive beat...like, this is an affront to human decency on the level of OJ's If I Did It. Todd: And if he was just an awful person, that'd be one thing. But as "Look at Me Now" proves, he's also a terrible rapper. Chris: And she accidentally slip and fall on my dick Oops I said, "on my dick" I ain't really mean to say, "on my dick" But since we talking about my dick Todd: Download from iTunes now and get a free of two Barf Buddies puke bucket. So if I hate this song so much, why isn't it even higher on the list? Well... Busta: Let me show you how to keep the dice rolling When you're doing that thing over there homie Let's go! 'Cause I'm feeling like I'm running And I'm feeling like I gotta get away, get away, get away Todd: Busta, why? Busta: Every time I come a nigga gotta set it, then I gotta go, and then I gotta get it Then I gotta blow, and then I gotta shudder... Todd: Why do you keep rescuing the songs of the worst artists? Busta: badaboom a badabing I gotta do a lot of things, to make it clearer to a couple niggas That I'm always winning and I gotta get it again, and again, and again Todd (VO): Busta's verse on this song is like hearing a of "How You Remind Me" by... Nickelback song suddenly launch into a shredding Van Halen guitar solo. riff by Eddie Van Halen over Nickelback clip And unfortunately, Lil Wayne's verse is mostly good too, and I labored over whether I could, in good conscience, put this song on the list. Todd: Could I really justify listing a song as one of the worst of the year if I loathed only 50% of it? Chris: Is that right? I'm fresher than a motherfucker Todd: Yes. Yes I can. While we're talking about your dick, Chris, go eat a dick! Video ends Interlude #8 and #7 Todd (VO): #8. #8. Bad Meets Evil ft. Bruno Mars - "Lighters" Bruno Mars: Sky full of lighters A sky full of lighters Todd: And while we're at it, might as well throw #7 on there too. #7. Dr. Dre & Eminem ft. Skylar Grey - "I Need a Doctor" Skylar: I need a doctor, doctor To bring me back to life Todd (VO): One thing I've discovered in making this list is that I don't like stupid and I don't like annoying, but if you really wanna get in my bad graces, there's no better way than just simply being flat boring. And it's painful to throw that label on an artist who was once the most dangerous man in America, but it's the truth. "Lighters" proved that the combination of Eminem and Bruno Mars worked about as well as a broccoli McFlurry; and the more I listened to Royce da 5'9"'s verse on this song, the more disjointed and clumsy it sounds. Royce: Ya'll are doomed I remember when T-Pain ain't wanna work with me My car starts itself, parks itself and Auto-tunes Todd: Just the transitional phrase, Royce. Something to connect the setup to the punchline, that's all I'm asking. Todd (VO): "Lighters" failed to show that collaborating with Royce could bring back Eminem's drive to succeed, but of "Fast Lane" their next single was a lot better, so maybe that collaboration did turn out for the positive. Todd: The same was definitely not true of... Todd (VO): ...Eminem's other deeply tedious hit this year, "I Need a Doctor", in which Eminem all but begs Dr. Dre to get off his ass and finish cover of... Detox, the album he's been working on for nine freaking years. Todd: And once again, it's the music that lets Eminem down, which is happening far too often. Clip from "Love the Way You Lie" Todd (VO): "Love the Way You Lie" had Eminem at the most on-point he's been in years, but...oh, God, did that song wear out quick? It was even worse in "Lighters" and especially "I Need a Doctor". Skylar: To bring me back to life Todd (VO): The chorus goes, "bring me back to life," and it does the exact opposite. This Evanescence knockoff might have worked for the Hot Topic crowd, but for Dre and Em, it just makes them sound like two old men straining to do what used to come naturally. Dr. Dre: It literally feels like a lifetime ago Todd (VO): And unfortunately, it also gave us no evidence that we need another Dr. Dre album. Dr. Dre: When the chips were down you just laughed at us Now you 'bout to feel the fucking wrath of Aftermath, faggots Todd: beat Dre, it's 2011...and you're 46. Grow up. Oh, and one other thing? Eminem: I don't think you realize what you mean to me Not the slightest clue Dr. Dre: All I see is Slim Fuck all you fair-weather friends All I need is him Todd (VO): You know what they say about glass houses, right? That's all I'm saying. Todd: Hey, it was a hit, so if this is what it takes to get Dre and Eminem back into the game, then maybe it was all for the be... [''Detox cover stamped with "POSTPONED INDEFINITELY"]'' of course. Skylar: I need a doctor Todd: Yeah, actually, the both of you need a doctor...because you both sound constipated. Skylar: ...back to life Interlude #6 Todd (VO): #6. #6. Bruno Mars - "The Lazy Song" Bruno: Today I don't feel like doing anything I just wanna lay in my bed Todd: Hello, Bruno...again. Bruno: I'm gonna kick my feet up... Todd (VO): This is actually a lot lower than I originally figured it would be, considering how disgusted I was with it the first time. Now, I've spoken repeatedly how much I hate "white guy with acoustic guitar" music, and unfortunately, Bruno Mars has written what has to be the single worst possible entry in the genre. It's the kind of song I don't think I can ever forgive the man for. Todd: And yet, six months later, I've found I do have a tiny little space in my withered heart for it. Todd (VO): Because let's face it, no matter how much I hate this song, and I do, there's a part of me that does like doing nothing all day. There's a part of me that sits around in my boxers watching TV. Todd: There's a part of me that makes rehashed videos about songs I've already talked about. Todd (VO): And when I'm indulging my indolent hedonism, it's this song, for good and for bad, that plays in my head. "The Lazy Song" fills a hole that was missing in the pop culture universe. We needed something like this. Todd: I guess what I'm saying is that I support a'' lazy song, though definitely not "''The Lazy Song", 'cause I still feel the need to punch Bruno Mars right in the nose every time I hear it, so don't get me wrong or anything. Alternate video featuring... Todd (VO): Also, many people pointing me towards the alternate video that starred Leonard Nimoy, which is a lot better and does a lot more to justify the song's existence. Look at him—defiant, angry, unashamedly pointing his middle finger towards mainstream society and its standards of decency. He's not a part of your system, man! I would've loved "The Lazy Song" if it'd been from the point of view of this guy, to original not the smug jackoff who actually did sing it. Todd: Nimoy, Vulcan peace sign live long and prosper, man. Bruno, go bankrupt and die. Bruno: Nothing at all Interlude #5 Todd (VO): #5. Todd: Okay, someone asked me once, if I hate "white guy with acoustic guitar" music so much, does that mean I hate white girls with acoustic guitars? Well, they're out there and I'm usually not a fan, but that's not really an accurate comparison because as far as I can tell, the female counterpoint to the musical bro-douches of the world is actually white chick with piano. Video for Evanescence - "My Immortal" Amy Lee: I'm so tired of being here Todd (VO): Yeah, yeah, let me make it clear that obviously not every white chick with a piano is necessarily bad, just like not every guy performing solo with his guitar is bad; and also that I realize that your average frat guy wouldn't seem to have much in common with the wannabe Sarah McLachlans of the world. for Vanessa Carlton - "A Thousand Miles" But what the worst of them have in common—and it's this exact thing that I'm really objecting to, when you get right down to it—is that kind of dreary, shallow, artless pretentiousness that lacks the talent or creativity to justify it. Todd: And I don't think I ever saw so much shallowness trying to pass itself off as depth as I did with Christina Perri. #5. Christina Perri - "Jar of Hearts" Christina Perri: And who do you think you are? Runnin' 'round leaving scars Collecting your jar of hearts And tearing love apart Todd: Christina Perri has been a constant, dull-throbbing pain in my life for roughly the past year—the kind of thing you don't realize is causing you so much grief until you realize how long it's been there. Todd (VO): It honestly just makes me kind of angry, the same way the success of Twilight makes me angry. There's so many intelligent, talented songwriters out there, but meanwhile we handed success to this clumsy, amateur garbage. Todd: It's about a breakup. beat Of course, it is. Christina: I've learned to live half alive Todd (VO): Apparently she wrote this about an ex-boyfriend who broke her heart; I'm guessing not the only song she wrote about it either. Clip from ''Say Anything... '' Corey Flood: I wrote 63 songs this year. They're all about Joe, and I'm going to play every single one of them tonight. Christina: You're gonna catch a cold From the ice inside your soul Todd: Burn? Like, I've said before I'm not a fan of of Beyonce - "Irreplaceable" Beyonce and her inhuman air of superiority, but she has more expertise in dissing an asshole than Christina Perri will ever realize even exists. Beyonce: I could have another you in a minute Matter of fact, he'll be here in a minute Todd: That's how it's done, lady. I think part of the big difference is that when Beyonce says she doesn't need a guy, she clearly means it;... Todd (VO): ...whereas Christina Perri has "not over it" written all over her. Christina: But I have grown too strong To ever fall back in your arms Todd: Or you know what? Maybe it's just because Beyonce doesn't sound like a 14-year-old singing the first song she ever wrote. Christina: You lost the love I loved the most Todd: Hey, Christina Perri, when this guy was collecting his jar of hearts, did he accidentally take your brain too? Christina: Who do you think you are? Interlude #4 Todd (VO): #4. Clip from ''Parks and Recreation '' April: to painting These are the Black Eyed Peas...and I finally killed them. Todd: My fellow Americans...our long Fergian nightmare is finally over. Video for...wait for it... Fergie: And I owe it all to you-ou-ou... Todd: I hope. #4. The Black Eyed Peas - "The Time (Dirty Bit)" Fergie: ...ou-ou-ou will.i.am: Dirty bit! Todd (VO): A year and a half ago, the Black Eyed Peas released their fourth album cover for... The E.N.D. The title was meant to be ironic, with E.N.D. being an acronym for The Energy Never Dies, and indeed, it turned out to be their most successful album. No, for the Black Eyed Peas, the end was of... The Beginning, which was what they named their next album. will.i.am: Hot in here her The temperature Todd: I wondered if I was going too far when I said that "Dirty Bit" was the worst song that the Black Eyed Peas had ever recorded. But now that a year has passed, let me state, for the record: "Dirty Bit" is the worst song that the Black Eyed Peas have ever recorded. Todd (VO): And though it was a hit, it looks like that that was the last straw, and all the ill will that the Black Eyed Peas had built up for the better part of the decade finally collapsed on them because 2011 was a bad year for the Black Eyed Peas. [Page of AV Club review giving ''The Beginning an F]'' Critics thrashed the album; article saying the album debuted at #6 sales figures dropped; of performance at Super Bowl their Super Bowl performance bombed; from [[Todd's Black Eyed Peas Experience]] they released an awful video game; scorn was heaped on them from all sides; and in the wake of all this, they announced they were going on hiatus, performing their last show in November. Will they ever come back? No one knows, but after "Dirty Bit", it looks like no one's clamoring for their return. Todd: Even I, a one-time Black Eyed Peas apologist, could find no words to defend this unholy abomination of a song. It is utterly, completely irredeemable. Now I have to constantly live in fear that my favorite retro 80s songs are going to be ruined by the Black Eyed Peas. Clips of Belinda Carlisle - "Heaven Is a Place on Earth"... Belinda: Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth Ooh, heaven is a place on Earth-Earth-Earth will.i.am: off Dirty bit! Todd: Ack! Change it! ...The Police - "Every Breath You Take"... Sting: Every breath you take-take-take will.i.am: Dirty bit! Todd: No! ...AC/DC - "You Shook Me All Night Long" Brian Johnson: She was a fast machine, she kept her motor... off by "The Time (Dirty Bit)", this time a little after will.i.am's line Todd: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! Fergie: yooooooooouuuuu will.i.am: Dirty bit! Interlude #3 Todd (VO): #3. Todd: Now like I said, a lot of songs actually start to sound better once I've done a review of them. Some of them do not. Only one actively got worse. #3. LMFAO - "Sexy and I Know It" Sky Blu: I'm sexy and I know it Todd: Despite all I've said about it, I've found... Clip of "Party Rock Anthem" Todd (VO): ...I can't really bring up that much hate for "Party Rock Anthem", even with all its numerous faults. But "Sexy and I Know It" was worthless the first time I heard it, and over the course of editing that review, it got absolutely unbearable. Todd: And no, it wasn't the video that got to me, although that didn't help. No, it was that unending beat—''dun dun-dun-dun dun dun-dun, dun dun-dun-dun dun''—pounding incessantly; it never changes, it just gets louder. Dun dun-dun-dun dun-dun dun, dun dun-dun-dun dun-dun dun Over and over and over again. Dun dun-dun-dun dun-dun dun. It just keeps going and going and going, going head AAAHHH!!! I DID IT! I DID IT! IT WAS ME! I HID HIS BODY UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS! MAKE IT STOP!!! Todd (VO): Any defense I hear of this song always begins, "but it's funny." But it's not. It's stupid, lazy comedy. The other day, I ran across of the Bloodhound Gang's... "The Bad Touch" for the first time in years, and I was struck to hear how much effort was put into every line. Jimmy Pop: So if I capsize on your thighs, high tide, B-5, you sunk my battleship Todd: LMFAO have nowhere near that level of thought or creativity. Dead serious. Todd (VO): "Okay, well maybe this song is so bad, it's good"? You know what? I don't buy that either. For another example, there's this guy, Big Sean of "Dance (A$$)" with a song out right now that I think was created on a bet to see if he could make the worst song ever written. Big Sean: Bitch, right on that ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass... Todd (VO): Oh, it's bad. It's very bad. But I'd be way more willing to hear someone tell me that it was secretly a masterpiece, because it's at least interestingly bad. "Sexy and I Know It" isn't interesting, it isn't funny, it isn't good music, it isn't anything worthwhile. Todd: But it is one thing—as of this writing, it is now officially the #1 song in the country. LMFAO: Girl look at that body Todd: I'm depressed and I know it. LMFAO: I'm sexy and I know it Interlude #2 Todd (VO): #2. Todd: Pretty much all of the songs on this list were picked primarily because I just didn't like the sound of the music. Only one of them was chosen solely because I didn't like the lyrics, and even then, it was really just one line. But oh, what a line it was. #2. Enrique Iglesias ft. Ludacris - "Tonight (I'm Fuckin' You)" Enrique Iglesias: But tonight I'm fucking you Oh you know Todd: Well, I know now, Enrique, but I appreciate that you keep me informed. Enrique: That tonight I'm fucking you Todd (VO): "Tonight (I'm Fucking You)" is one of those songs that irrevocably stains your image of the performer. It's like when people first heard Online article about... Mel Gibson screaming racist threats at his girlfriend. Todd: You hear it and you just know you'll never be able to watch poster of... Maverick the same way again. Enrique: I know you want me Todd (VO): Ten whole years of building up a reputation as a smooth, sensitive man of romance... Todd: ...flushed right down the toilet. Wh...wh...what am I supposed to do with the rest of Enrique's songs now? I can't find any of them. Clips of "Hero"... Enrique: I can be your hero, baby to But tonight I'm fucking you "Bailamos"... Enrique: Tonight we dance to Fucking you ..."Escape" Enrique: You can run, you can hide But you can't escape my love Todd: Actually, that one sounds exactly the same to me. Enrique: Tonight I'm fucking you Todd (VO): I would not be surprised if somewhere down the road, Enrique finds himself regretting the day that this song became a success. I mean, when you're fifty, is this the legacy you want? I mean, hell, he might regret it now. I know that he hasn't had another hit since this song came out. I'm sensing some buyer's remorse among Enrique's die-hard fans. Todd: I mean, isn't that always the way, ladies? He seemed like a nice guy at first, but once you got to know him, he turned out to be a real asshole. Enrique: That tonight I'm fucking you... Todd: Sorry. Enrique: ...uuuuuu Interlude #1 Todd (VO): #1. Todd: I'm...kind of shocked at my own #1 pick for this list, but the more and more I thought about it, the more it fit. I...I don't think anyone else is gonna agree with it because it doesn't...really fit the mold of what most people think of as bad pop songs. I mean, does it say anything offensive? No. clip of video for...wait for it... Does it have horrendously unpleasant music? No. clip of...hold on... Does anyone swing their nuts in my face? No. more clip... But I don't define "bad" in any of those ways. I define "bad" as the absence of good, and no song this year was anywhere near as devoid of anything good... as Hot Chelle Rae. Ryan Follese: It's been a really really messed up week Seven days of torture Todd: I just can't deal with this. '''#1. Hot Chelle Rae - "Tonight, Tonight" ' Hot Chelle Rae: We're going at it tonight, tonight There's a party on the rooftop, top of the world Tonight tonight Todd: Hot Chelle Rae is just something I don't normally encounter, even in the midst of the worst and most unlistenable songs on the radio. I guess objectively, other songs on the list are "worse", but I'm putting this right at the top because it shouldn't even qualify for this list. Hot Chelle Rae: La la la, oh well, la la la Todd (VO): This isn't a pop song, this is a ''Bop cover knockoff of a pop song. This is a direct-to-DVD movie that somehow got released to theaters. It has all of pop music's lack of nutrition, but none of the flavor. Todd: It is the already-been-chewed gum of music. Todd (VO): I am still not convinced that Hot Chelle Rae aren't the start of some Nickelodeon sitcom about a band and its wacky adventures. In the review I did, I made frequent references to the show Glee 'cause that's what Hot Chelle Rae's sterile ball-lessness reminded me of, but if I'd been able to do more research,... Todd: ...I would've found out that that is, in fact, a Glee cast member in the video,... Chord Overstreet: Whatever Todd: ...and worse, that cast member's brother is the lead guitarist of Hot Chelle Rae. Todd (VO): Well, you know what? As much as I thought it was terrible that dorky YouTube twerps could launch songs now, it's better than being associated with Glee! Todd: Everything else on this list—from Chris Brown's repulsive ego, to Christina Perri's half-assed LiveJournal crap, to LMFAO's shocking talentlessness—none of it measures up in badness to this. This is music the same way that a cover of a cereal box is art, and it is my Worst Hit Song of 2011. Disagree? Too bad, it's my list. I'm Todd In The Shadows saying let's hope none of this crap survives into 2012. Good night. Gets up and leaves. Closing tag song: Beyonce - "Best Thing I Never Had" THE END This video is owned by me Today I don't feel like doing anything. Whatever Category: Content Category: Guides